There Is Only Room For One Lunatic In This House and I Called It First

 

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Remember pinwheels?  These cheerful little treats have been sold since the days when marketing departments felt that giving childhood goodies names like ding-dong and ho-ho was a good plan.  To be fair, they didn’t have urban dictionary, and I’m doubtful that those specific terms had truly spread their wings at that point.

Each morning, I drop the big kids off at their respective schools and then head with my smallest to her daycare.  We don’t put her in daycare because my husband and I both work to pay the bills and our companies prohibit toddler companions.  It’s strictly due to our shared love of strep throat, ear infections, and the judgement of other parents who choose alternate lifestyles. 

Our few minutes en route to said daycare consist of driving directly toward the rising sun, fighting with sunglasses that won’t stay on the face of a two-year old, and proving once more that there are zero placement combinations for my car’s sun visors that will cover the two-inch square of sunlight perpetually aimed at my child’s face.  Redirection is my technique of choice, so I make sure to have little snacks in the car to keep her occupied.  Thus enters the pinwheel onto the scene.

As with every cloudless morning, my toddler was angry about the sun’s ongoing assault on her retinas.  I reached back and passed a pinwheel into her small hand.  She was instantly appeased and my eardrums were given a momentary reprieve.  That moment was not to last because she went from sedate to hysterical one minute later.  She was so upset that I was concerned that maybe I had unintentionally handed her a roll engulfed in flames.  Thankfully I remembered that I had left that one at home.  But why was she so upset?  What in the world was going on?  She was so distraught that I had to pull the car over to stop whatever was terrorizing her.

I parked, jumped out of my seat and rushed to open her door.  There was no blood.  No broken glass.  No barbed wire.  Just a two-year old with tears streaming down her cheeks pushing a pinwheel into my face.

And then I saw it.

IMG_20170608_143538_01Someone had taken a bite out of my daughter’s pinwheel.  But who could have done this?  The other kids were already at school by the time I had handed her the freshly unwrapped treat.  No rogue animals were roaming the vehicle.  And given that my little daughter had a chewed on pinwheel in her hand, crumbs around her mouth, and sugar and cinnamon on her clothes, I knew that it couldn’t have been her.

Many people don’t believe in mother’s intuition, but I can assure you that it is a very real thing.  Mine snapped on in an instant.  I understood exactly what had happened.  The pinwheel had taken a bite out of itself.

For whatever reason, this particular pinwheel felt the need to pull a cruel prank on my child.  It had also tried to trick me into thinking that my toddler had taken the bite herself and then forgotten about it, but I would not fall into its trap.  I was no fool.

So I did what any rational mother with a limited supply of pinwheels would do.  I took the maimed roll from my distraught child, turned to face the other way, mashed the thing back into a shape moderately close to a circle, and placed it back into her little fingers.  She was elated to be given a “new” pinwheel and the world began to spin once more.

With the exception of the rare bowl of ice cream my husband and I attempt to tiptoe past our kids (with zero luck), I truly enjoy sharing all that I have with my children.  But being the craziest person living under this roof has always been my thing.  I am confident in my cutting edge techniques on making comments and choices that don’t just border on being nonsense – they are straight up bonkers.  But here she is infringing on my position as top lunatic, and she’s only two.  This kid has raw talent you just can’t teach, and her skills are increasing at an exponential rate.  Although I called it first, I think perhaps my reign is at its end.  I am being out-crazied by my toddler.

***MoJo***

33 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. cindy knoke
    Jun 06, 2017 @ 00:00:01

    “There Is Only Room For One Lunatic In This House and I Called It First.”
    Ok. You killed me with the title.
    And then there was this, “I am being out-crazed by my toddler.”
    How is it possible that I am so lucky to meet people like you via blogging?
    Tell me and we’ll both know.

    Reply

  2. calmkate
    Jun 08, 2017 @ 00:15:43

    attracted by the title, love love love your writing style … great way to stay sane with such a talented 2 yo … by the way they claim kids take after their parents, are you sure she is yours? lol 🙂

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jun 08, 2017 @ 00:20:03

      Ha! That’s so so funny! I have told my husband before that the hospital tricked us and send us home with a broken baby. However given that she’s identical in appearance to her older sister (it’s crazy how similar they are!), I think we can’t pursue the lemon law. So teasing of course. I love that crazy monkey to pieces. She definitely comes by her nuttiness honestly! Thanks for the comment. So made me smile!

      Reply

  3. shalini
    Jun 08, 2017 @ 07:05:08

    Superb write… So funny.. I admire the way you laugh at yourself with a straight face

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jun 08, 2017 @ 10:03:02

      Thank you for seeing it how it was intended. In my mind it seems grossly obvious that I’m teasing everyone involved in my stories (mainly myself), but some people just miss it entirely. Thank you for getting it and thank you for the lovely compliment! Your sweet words were such a nice way to start the day. 🙂

      Reply

  4. shalini
    Jun 08, 2017 @ 10:49:07

    Hehehe… Nopes adele here, gaga

    Reply

  5. Anna Waldherr
    Jun 08, 2017 @ 13:50:30

    Hysterical and so true to life! If it’s any consolation, someday your daughter will be the one driving with a toddler in back. 🙂

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jun 08, 2017 @ 14:37:42

      I sooo know this and I sooo can’t wait. (Read that last sentence while imagining me twirling my invisible moustache between my thumb and pointer finger as I squint eyes and smile darkly.) (Also I think she may be karma’s gift to my parents so they can witness the payback for all the crap I pulled with them.) Your comment cracked me up and I think I will go out of my way to save it for 20-30 years just so I stick it in her face and holler BOOYAH! whenever the tables turn. Love it Anna!

      Reply

  6. sunrainlife
    Jun 12, 2017 @ 07:00:25

    This post brought tears to my eyes. Good to know others are on the same journey. Thanx for the humorous slant on a daily grind.

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jun 12, 2017 @ 07:12:43

      It makes me laugh, too, but that’s because I am certain that she believes it. Kids are crazy funny things, aren’t they?? ;). Thank you so much for the lovely comment sunny one. 😉

      Reply

  7. bernard25
    Jun 13, 2017 @ 02:21:47

    Bonjour ou Bonsoir
    La plus belle des choses que tu possèdes
    Sait ce nouveau jour
    Alors sois heureux ou heureuse
    Aujourd’hui il est à toi
    Décide toi même de ce que tu veux faire
    Travail ou loisir
    Ce jour vis le , emplie le , chante lui ton bonheur
    Dis à ce jour que tu l’aimes et profite d’être là Pour Ce Jour
    Gros bisous Bernard
    https://img4.hostingpics.net/pics/155602couple.jpg

    Reply

  8. sheldonk2014
    Jun 18, 2017 @ 16:19:13

    I love the voice of this piece
    And I stand with you
    On all your apparent issues
    Many of which made me smile

    Reply

  9. rulesofrani
    Jun 22, 2017 @ 15:42:07

    This is hilarious… too good. I am so glad your toddler was appeased with such simple subterfuge, though… enjoy it while it lasts! (:

    Reply

  10. Elizabeth
    Jul 01, 2017 @ 22:51:29

    It’s undeniable. She has the gift. There’s nothing you can do except join with her and drive the rest of the family over the edge. It’s what my youngest son and I did and we’re still very close. Strait-jacket for two!

    Reply

  11. Jan
    Jul 10, 2017 @ 13:28:34

    I laughed out loud !!! This is precious !! I love your writing style … so honest … I could picture the whole episode … also … I LOVED THE TITLE !!! jan

    Reply

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