Salads – Even Calories Don’t Want Any Part of Them

No veggies were harmed in the making of this photo, but that was only because nobody wanted to eat them.

Here’s the thing about salads – it seems to me that they suck. Nobody walks into Cupcake Corner and orders a Kale-nilla. Never. Yes I can appreciate a bowl of lettuce, tomato, egg, bacon, etc., but once you have all that together, you’re basically consuming a loose sandwich minus the bread.

I so dream of being the girl in the veggie section of the grocery store spinning around joyfully with arms extended as “The Hills Are Alive” plays over the loud speaker. Those people do exist.  I know some of them quite well.  Heidi – I’m talking to you.  (As much as I resent this woman’s sincere love of all things healthy, she looks fantastic – damn those fresh veggies – and she’s a darling and an amazing person – double damn – I can’t help but totally adore her!)

No need to schedule an intervention with the local garden co-op.  We are big fans of fruit. Those grow in the ground, too, so stick THAT in your organic quinoa.  Also I have sometimes been known to grow vegetables of my own just for fun.  Sadly that joy is gone as it now appears that one who grows these things is actually supposed to eat them as well.  Bleh – vile weeds!

However there is one thing that surpasses fresh veggies on my personal “Items I Utterly Disdain” list.  No. It’s not heart disease, but good guess anyway.  It’s something sinister and insipid and terrifyingly worse. That’s right. It’s the photo someone just took of you that you wished you never saw.  You know.  The one where you look pregnant​ when in fact your oven has been bunless for years.  The one that made you wrench the phone from their hands so you could delete it before anyone else saw it even  though those same people are seeing the real live you and already know what you look like.. Ugh.

And that leaves me here.  Spending my hard-earned money and buying vegetables.  And these aren’t the kind of vegetables we normally get – the ones that hang out untouched in the fridge for so long that they actually sprout a whole new generation of vegetables before finding their standard final destination in the circular file. I will actually have to eat these new veggies.

There will be no arms out spinning in the store.  I refuse to be excited about my no calorie lettuce wedge with other no calorie vegetables and carbless joyless dressing.  Nevertheless I must make this move now.  I can no longer withstand the ever-present threat of an updated family photo that might be posted online or even worse – in an actual home until the end of time.  It looks like I’m going to have to call that vegaholic friend of mine for tips, and maybe while I attempt to change my body, I will also find a way to change my mind.

NOT!  Don’t even dream it fresh veggies.  You will never compete with my love for basically every other kind of food (including your beloved fried brethren).  But I guess you are going to be joining us more more often, so I’ll just have to deal.

This post is dedicated to all of you who enjoyed chips and queso today.  And it is now also un-dedicated to you same chips and queso people because now I want chips and queso but all I have is a damn salad.

***MoJo***

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathleen B McCune (@kathleenmccune)
    Jun 04, 2017 @ 11:12:25

    Very well written and so very true. One has to be truly hungry to want veggies, but perhaps that’s why vegans are so skinny…..they just don’t eat very often!!!!

    Reply

    • momentumofjoy
      Jun 04, 2017 @ 22:48:57

      I honestly believe that arugula has the same flavor as sadness. I want to love it. I desperately want to love it. My pants needs me to love it. But I just don’t. I’m sincerely jealous of people who order salads because they just crave them. Part of me hesitates momentarily when someone says that at a restaurant because I really think that they are going to laugh at the joke but then they actually order it HAPPILY AND ON PURPOSE! Those lucky vegans… 😉

      Reply

  2. itsacrazycatladything
    Jun 07, 2017 @ 14:10:54

    Sooo funny, I was a cupcake addict until perimenopause kidnaped my brain.

    Reply

  3. riffatwajidblogs
    Jun 08, 2017 @ 13:15:03

    True story of healthy and non healthy foods

    Reply

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