I Didn’t Ask but You Told Anyway

college kids

 

Dear random individuals who express unsolicited sentiments about my driver’s license photo,

I want to begin by thanking you for sharing your honest thoughts that I never knew I needed to hear.  Although I didn’t ask for your opinion, I appreciated your candor, and yes, I actually did already know that I looked so different compared to that photo taken two decades ago.  The shock you conveyed was an added bonus, so again, thank you for keeping your personal filters on the low setting for my benefit.  As is common knowledge, every woman in her 40s looks exactly the same as she did in her 20s, so naturally any photo taken from 20 years ago (especially one as flattering as a driver’s license shot) should be identical in appearance to that person’s present reality.

For some inexplicable reason, it appears that I am suffering from a peculiar genetic mutation that has created a strange and irreversible “aging process” that continues to reveal itself more and more with each year that passes.  This medical mystery has left indelible creases on my face, wings hanging where triceps once resided, and saggy areas placed on random locations all around my body.  Lucky for me, my hormones have sensed the situation and have risen up in revolt against this anatomical oddity.  In lieu of a castle, they have established a defense line of random hairs along my face, supply storage on my hips, and the creation of a badonkadonk only Sir Mix-a-Lot could truly appreciate.

And though it was years ago, I feel that I would be remiss not to send a shout out to the gem of a lady who performed a test on my heart when I was extremely pregnant.  Given that I was carrying a mini human within my frame and being forced to have an echocardiogram to ensure my health and that of my unborn child, I had no anxiety at that point anyway.  Yes, I was also shocked at how much weight I had gained in the two year gap since we had seen each other.  She didn’t seem to note the significance of how I wasn’t pregnant the previous time we had met, but it was really special how she went out of her way to comment with such fervor about the difference.  Like all women suffering from perpetual discomfort and chronic sleep deprivation due to the small feet incessantly stomping on their hoo-hahs from the inside, I needed to be reminded at that exact moment by someone who was not my doctor (or even a doctor) about the excessive weight gain pregnancy could bring.

Thank you.  Thank all of you.  I am so glad that even though we aren’t friends and actually don’t know each other at all, you still feel comfortable enough with me to fearlessly point out how much older I look and that I have gained weight.

Sincerely yours,

No One Ever

***MoJo***

This post is dedicated to Skillet, Sr.  You have been there for me through jellies, hoochie boots, mom jeans, and the most difficult and best parts of my life.  Thank you for never making the comments detailed above, and not just because you know that I would pull your hair out if you did.  I love you my dear friend and soul sister. –  Skillet, Jr.

12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. shalini
    Jun 08, 2017 @ 10:08:12

    Fabulous… U write so well

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jun 08, 2017 @ 10:24:11

      I think we need to find a way to bottle up some of that “Shalini Sunshine” – you would lap Bill Gates’ income in days if you ever find a way. You are a blessing sweet friend!

      Reply

      • shalini
        Jun 08, 2017 @ 10:27:43

        Nopes… I just tell the truth.. I laughed thanks to u.. Just read some poems on broken heart and tears so ur post was such a pleasant surprise 😉

  2. misifusa
    Jun 08, 2017 @ 10:17:07

    This made me giggle. I totally get it! xo

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jun 08, 2017 @ 10:42:50

      You know me. I have no filters. None. But even I am slightly dumbfounded at the responses. I told someone yesterday that I feel like Gollum handing over his license that has an old pic of him as a pre-ring happy hobbit. It’s so weird!

      Reply

  3. Hussein Allam
    Jun 08, 2017 @ 13:27:25

    This is hilarious post, elegantly written, momentum!

    Reply

  4. Tracy
    Jun 08, 2017 @ 13:46:49

    Ah yes, those wings… Eight years ago, I had what my sons affectionately called, ‘The gun show’. I had a manual job heaving boxes about all day and my arms were toned. Now, I have a wing-span. *weep*
    Love the post. You make me laugh. 🙂

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jun 08, 2017 @ 14:33:49

      A few years years ago my middle daughter (who was much younger at that point but I imagine you guessed that when I said “A few years ago…”) gave me a big fat hug and said “Ooooo Mommy! You are so squishy!!” The gypsies were all booked up so no one came to take her away. Yet… And I’m so jealous that you had a gun show ever. I have never made it to that point. Even my six pack has always ranged between an 8 to 10 pack. At least we can laugh about it. Well until the kids say “let’s go swimming” and it’s back to the weeping! Thanks for the giggles!

      Reply

  5. Hussein Allam
    Jun 08, 2017 @ 14:27:42

    Thats so great to know that. As this is the least which i could do 🙂, thank you, momentum!

    Reply

  6. mitchteemley
    Jun 08, 2017 @ 16:56:33

    Did I detect a note of sarcasm in there?

    Reply

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