What I Would Have Missed

1a

Over the past couple of months, I have not written about my strong belief in angels.  I don’t ask or need for you to believe what I say in this entry, but I can’t share my experience without doing so here.  Not that I would want to anyway.  I owe them my life.

Twenty years ago, I almost died.  There was no accident.  I wasn’t suffering from a terminal illness.  I just didn’t want to fight against my tormented mind and my broken heart anymore.  It wasn’t worth it, and I wasn’t worth it.  I was lost, and I attempted to take my life.

1d

1b

When the roller coaster of emotions was climbing upward, I could recognize that everything would be alright.  I could see possibilities all around me.  But whenever the imminent crash would happen, my ability to perceive the relevance of my existence wouldn’t merely fade – it would disappear.  The darkness would swallow me whole.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI had struggled for years with the unpredictability of manic depression.  I read the books.  I met with the doctors.  I took the pills.  But I couldn’t make it stop.  It was as if I had no control over my life or my sanity.  I could see it. but I couldn’t stop it.  I wanted to turn off the noise.  Turn off the pain.  Turn everything off.

1f

I couldn’t hurt myself or anyone else anymore.  I couldn’t stay any longer.  I couldn’t hold on.  I took the pills.  Handfuls of them.  I was blind with confusion and hurt.  I was going under and I wanted to let go.

I stood in the little bathroom with the empty pill bottle in my hand, and I heard a clear voice that was not my own.  “This is it.  You have to do something NOW.”OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

A switch flipped inside me in an instant.  Immediately my head became clear and my mind snapped to attention.  I knew what I had heard, and I understood exactly what it was saying to me.

I had to get those pills out of my body right away.  I tried to throw them up but I couldn’t.  I calmly approached my mother and told her that I needed ipecac syrup or some other medicine that would force me to vomit.  She was terrified but managed to track some down.  I can still envision the countless pills floating in the water.  Even though I had expelled the pills within minutes after taking them, I still slept for two days.

1kThat experience changed me on every level.  It didn’t make the ups and downs go away.  It didn’t stop my anxiety problems, my OCD tendencies, or my mercurial emotions.  I didn’t become the easiest person to be friends with nor did I become a dream family member at all times (or even most times, but I really do try).  However my eyes were opened.  I realized that I was supposed to be here, I was not alone at any point, and my life had value.  I didn’t have the slightest idea about the blessings I would receive nor did I understand those I would give.  I didn’t understand my true value, and I suppose, to a very great extent, I still don’t.  But I knew then that my worth was beyond measure.

I matter.  We all do.

There are moments in our lives that can change everything.  Our destinies can be shaped over time or they can be flip in an instant.  When you have depression, the finality of that choice can be lost when you are in the darkness.   It will pass.1g

There is more light around you and in you than you could ever imagine.  There is beauty and wonder and love and hope and magic.  And there are angels.

Your life is precious, and you are never alone.

Do not give in to the illusion of endless darkness.  There is no darkness without the light.  The sun is always there even when you can’t see it.  Just give it a little more time.1e

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Hold on a bit more.  Let the possibilities of your life become beautiful realities.  Never give up on hope.

You can’t fathom what you would never want to miss.

1l

In love and light always – Joanna

***There are countless photos I wanted to include of others who make my heart smile, but I didn’t need to ask permission from this crew.  🙂

 

49 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. James J. Cudney IV
    Jul 25, 2017 @ 20:45:02

    What a beautiful and amazing story… you have such lyricism in your voice.

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jul 25, 2017 @ 20:48:00

      To be 100% honest, I was very nervous when I wrote this. I read something another blogger wrote earlier today, and it just scratched the painfully raw memory to the surface. I wouldn’t change it because it made me who I am. I just don’t want someone to get lost in a moment. We have no idea how special our lives truly are.

      Reply

  2. Irene Waters 19 Writer Memoirist
    Jul 25, 2017 @ 22:05:06

    We all have those moments where our problems seem insurmountable. I’m glad you realised your worth before harmful consequences occurred. This was an inspirational and motivational post. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply

  3. mainepaperpusher
    Jul 25, 2017 @ 22:10:15

    A wonderful testament to your beliefs. And a story was must have been difficult to write. As I scrolled through reading the words, suddenly I was shocked to see the black dog. Everything stopped as I saw the Bouvier who looked like one of my angels. I can’t thank you enough for including the photograph. I don’t know why you would have, but then again, maybe I do. Sending hugs!

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jul 25, 2017 @ 22:36:35

      The really funny thing is that it’s a briard, but they do look very similar to bouviers. To me, that’s even more of a sign because you saw the little face looking back at you. 🙂 She’s one of my angels now, too, but she’ll always be with me. Big big hugs to you, too, honey. 🙂

      Reply

      • mainepaperpusher
        Jul 26, 2017 @ 00:57:31

        A Briard? I always thought they were blond, I don’t know why. That is just so cool. 🙂

      • MoJo
        Jul 26, 2017 @ 08:32:26

        That’s what you normally see in the movies. The black ones are hard to photo. I even had to adjust the colors in the pic of ours because she looked like a black blob. The other blondies in the post are the tawny versions you typically see. We love them because they are crazy smart. I say that. Actually the first one was crazy smart. The other two…not so much. It’s not their fault. They are highly trainable, but we are too busy trying to train our human puppies instead. 😉

  4. Tracy
    Jul 26, 2017 @ 02:13:40

    Believe it or not, though I rarely write about my spiritual side, I also believe in angels. I’ve copped a lot of flack for it too on various forums that I used to belong to. I had an experience once and I do believe that it was an angel in human form because it was ‘not of this world’. I later read up on people’s accounts and three things were consistent. One, the ‘person’ showed up in moments of need. Two, they had piercing blue eyes and three, they disappeared impossibly fast for a mere mortal. All three happened to me. I can also identify with your story more than most people know and for me there was also unseen intervention that stopped me going any further. You ARE very special. You’ve certainly made a difference to my life. X

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jul 26, 2017 @ 08:39:42

      So I still have my Tracy post in my head, but I was wondering if this would speak to you, too. I have never seen one (that I could specifically point to in my memory banks), but I know people with incredible stories. These aren’t people that have unicorn stories (but I do want to meet those peeps, too!). I believe that there are things in this universe that we can’t understand but they are there nevertheless. And I hope that you already know that you are special to me, too, but if you don’t —> YOU SO ARE!! 🙂

      Reply

      • Tracy
        Jul 26, 2017 @ 11:00:30

        I agree. There is so much more to this universe than any of us can imagine but so often we only believe in what we can see and if it can’t be measured in the scientific way, it doesn’t exist. Only I’ve had experiences that prove, to me, that there is a lot more to it. With my ‘angel’, it was not just what happened but what I felt. Here was a man who I didn’t know from Adam but I trusted him with every ounce of my being. I don’t do that normally. I’m naturally suspicious lol. It’s a fascinating subject for sure. 🙂

      • MoJo
        Jul 26, 2017 @ 15:01:36

        You know that you’re going to have to tell me your story now… (Or I will bug you forever!) (I have one more specific one to share, too!)

      • Tracy
        Jul 27, 2017 @ 02:01:04

        I shared it on a forum once only to be told by a sceptic that I had either been dreaming or having a psychotic episode lol

      • MoJo
        Jul 27, 2017 @ 04:20:30

        What a charmer! That’s so bad that it’s funny, but I wouldn’t have liked that either. At least here you could boot that comment out!

      • Tracy
        Jul 27, 2017 @ 07:19:47

        The guy was a legend in his own mind lol. His ‘thing’ was to debunk anybody’s experience. I must have spent hours arguing with him. You lives and learns lol

      • MoJo
        Jul 27, 2017 @ 15:57:57

        I have always liked this quote and remind my kids of it regularly —> Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

        I’m not implying that the guy was a pig. It’s just not worth the energy for either of you. That’s also why I included the disclosure about not asking of needing anyone to believe me. Some people never will and I don’t mind a bit. It doesn’t change what I have experienced. I believe you lovely. 🙂

      • Tracy
        Jul 28, 2017 @ 00:56:47

        I like that quote lol. I think I locked horns with him because he was on a believers forum with the sole intention of rubbishing peoples experiences. He enjoyed doing it and if that person left the forum as a result, he classed that as a win. I felt it was my duty to take him on and show him up as much as I could. It was effort that I could have used elsewhere. He really wasn’t worth my time. You’re right. It’s not important that people believe us. I get that it’s hard to understand something you’ve never experienced and sceptics tend to be people who have never have an experience and those who stop being sceptics, are because they have one.

  5. misifusa
    Jul 26, 2017 @ 06:36:14

    I admire you. I am inspired by you. I am so grateful that you are still here to cast your brilliant light into our lives. xoxo

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jul 26, 2017 @ 08:41:25

      I never have the right words to tell you how thankful I am for you. My hands hover over the keyboard every time because I can’t find a way to articulate my gratitude. Please just know that it’s very much there and I appreciate you beyond words. You are a gift.

      Reply

  6. Writer Lori
    Jul 26, 2017 @ 06:55:05

    A wonderful, brave story, Jo. I, too, believe in angels. May you know every moment of every day how special you are and how happy so many are that you are with us! Have a beautiful day…. Hugs,L

    Reply

  7. welcometothenursery
    Jul 26, 2017 @ 09:12:17

    What a story … I am thankful an angel spoke to you that day. You are right that there is light which is stronger than the darkness … thank God you feel it! Thank you for sharing your story – I’m sure it inspires everyone who reads it!
    And cutie pie kids … oh my gosh….

    Reply

  8. foodzesty
    Jul 26, 2017 @ 10:25:05

    I hear you and I understand you!! I am so glad I found your blog Jo…:)

    Reply

  9. Blog Andrew
    Jul 26, 2017 @ 12:05:40

    A beautiful post, you’ll not know I take a lot from stories such as these, I too once came to a point of no return and yes I wrote about it and then deleted……. I know you’ll not laugh when I say, for absolute certain my mother’s mother has looked after me since she passed away, I know for sure. 🙂 I enjoyed reading.

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jul 26, 2017 @ 15:10:13

      I have no doubt that you have many angels looking over your shoulder (and I have to tell you this because it made me laugh to picture it – when I typed that comment about looking over your shoulder, I had a vision of an old lady shaking her head and smacking you in the back of the head – in a comical and sorta “for goodness sake Andrew” kind of way – couldn’t help but smile at that and I’m certain that she was/is a feisty kind soul). As for deleting the post, I’ve tried to write this one multiple times. I don’t think I even used the word suicide in the actual post because it’s too difficult to say even though that’s exactly what it would have been. I struggle immensely with writing this kind of stuff. I worry about people who know me judging me. I worry about my family reading it and thinking “wow she’s even wackier than we thought.” But then I look and I can see it all around me. I don’t know why it’s still so taboo to talk about it. Maybe it’s my own shame that puts that filter on it. I don’t know. But I am thankful that you are still here Andrew. My world is better with you in it. Please stick around. 🙂

      Reply

  10. inspirationpie
    Jul 26, 2017 @ 17:30:49

    Such a beautiful and touching story, Joanna. Thank you for sharing this. It’s not an easy subject to talk about. Seeing how your life changed for the better may save someone’s life, you never know ❤
    Jo-Ann

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jul 26, 2017 @ 18:32:01

      I have found that every once in a while, someone will say something that sticks with me and helps me. I think we all hope that someone finds resonance in our words. I just want someone who is going under to try a little longer despite the hopelessness. Life turns on a dime in the times when we most need it. Thank you for your sweet comment my sweet friend. 🤗

      Reply

  11. Jan
    Jul 27, 2017 @ 12:40:17

    Bless you for your bravery and honesty in sharing this. You have a calling … and you are important to your readers. Jan

    Reply

  12. shalini
    Jul 29, 2017 @ 01:36:24

    Aww, jo I am so happy you didn’t go further ahead with the pills. We need you more than you can imagine. I cant even imagine to know what you went through when you were taking that step. But it makes me thankful I didn’t when I wanted to. I lost my courage to take the final step.
    Your post made me realise my cowardice is the proof of my bravery.

    Reply

  13. wakinguponthewrongsideof50
    Jul 30, 2017 @ 14:46:29

    Thank you for having the courage to write this. You are my star and my angel all at the same time.

    Reply

  14. I tripped over a stone.
    Jul 31, 2017 @ 10:30:56

    YOU. ARE. A. GIFT. There is a powerful reason for you dear Jo and you are finding its purpose. ~Kim.

    Reply

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