Female Body Changes and the Mystery of Metabolism that Appears to be Asleep at the Wheel

Ok so maybe all of this facial hair isn’t entirely mine (but maybe some is). Also it’s possible that today is Halloween.

While I have zero issue with plastic surgery for other people, I find that it doesn’t really appeal to me on a personal level (today). With that said, there are elements of aging that are seriously less than fabulous. I don’t mind getting older from a number stand point. I just never realized that cosmic humor would require all of the numbers that pertain to my body to join in on the joke.

I went to see the doctor for a routine check-up. While I was there, I thought that perhaps the scale was pulling an excessively early April Fool’s Day joke on me. It wasn’t. The weight in question was shocking to me and is not a number that bears repeating. Ironically it is a number that a bear might weigh if she did happenΒ to get on that same scale, too.

As a bonus I was in the perfect sunlight at another point and noticed something gleaming in my view. It took me a moment to realize that a long thin fuzzy hair had landed on my face. Another unhappy moment later led me to discover that I was a bit off the mark on my original assessment. The fuzzy didn’t land there. It was trying to escape my face. What the eff?Β  When did I turn into a she-wolf?

It’s tough to feel pretty when your youthful bod has gone on vacay and left you and your bat wing arms dangling behind. It frustrates me immensely and leaves me scratching my beard. Although I love naughty food, it doesn’t seem to matter what I eat. I’ve tried changing the menu significantly, yet I still remain un-thin but with a serious hangryover. If I exercise, I get even hungrier, so I eat more and end up bumping up my calorie count to offset the activity increase.

Please don’t even mention salads. I like real people food. The only salads I enjoy are less like salads and more like bread-free sandwiches. The others with all veggies plus a side of more veggies never leave me satiated. Man cannot live on kale alone, and even if he (she) could, why would one ever want to try???

I will keep attending to my increasing presence of sasquatch chic body flair as I continue to strive for a way to solve my “how to achieve a healthier lifestyle by eating cheesecake” mystery. I know that I could maintain that approach if it was an option. Maybe I will give kale another try. Ha! Not! But I suppose that there are other veggies that I could purchase (yet again) and actually eat this time (ideally before they sprout mini-gardens of their own).

Thankfully I don’t have any major negative temptations in the house at the moment because it’s Halloween and every person in America gives out celery and protein powder. Also the holidays are quickly approaching, and that’s always a great time to shed the excess fluff.

Despite my snark, I do need to figure out a way to get motivated. I may be able to pick up Thor’s hammer, but I think the real challenge is going to be putting down Jo’s fork. Sigh.

Lentils and lettuce always – Joanna

Mystery

54 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. bone&silver
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 00:53:01

    Oh dear- yes, when I look at myself in the bathroom with my reading glasses on, I see a whole different ‘me’, with waaaay more wrinkles & hairs than I expect! *sighs

    Reply

  2. foodzesty
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 01:28:28

    Would Yoga be an option for you πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    Reply

  3. juliehcares
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 05:50:10

    I hate those feelings. I try to suppress them with a cookie. Don’t forget to remind yourself what you have accomplished in these past X amount of years and that what you have is attained a higher level, not a higher age. Kale is gross, I’ll stick with broccoli!

    Reply

  4. wakinguponthewrongsideof50
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 06:32:47

    Oh young me- you have no idea!!!! On same wave length as thinking my post today will be of similar quality…..on the plus side- you look amazing, no matter what age you are. And don’t forget -you are a norse God

    Reply

  5. Anonymous
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 07:02:43

    Get ready girl! I’m blazing the trail ahead of you by a couple of decades. The number is not the problem, it’s the wear and tear of all those fun years of living. Here is a cute video, you need to watch.

    Reply

  6. Anonymous
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 08:09:39

    Not sure why it says anonymous? I posted it. Guess I missed a blank. Thought the syste, knew me. Karla Stimach

    Reply

  7. James J. Cudney IV
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 08:25:05

    Oh, Jo. I love your humor. And I won’t comment on anything else. I have faith you can do what you want to do!

    Reply

  8. ruddjr
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 08:48:12

    Thank you for such an honest portrayal of aging. Yeah the facial hair is a b (rhymes with witch). I agree with you on kale. I know it’s all the rage but it’s yucky! I went grey very early so thank goodness for Lady Clairol.

    Reply

  9. booleanlogically
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 09:17:03

    I still remember the day I found the first surprisingly long hair sprouting from precisely the middle of my chin! Shock horror! Nobody told me this was going to start happening! Now, if I could grow a big bushy beard (or ideally a full body glossy fur…I’d dye it purple or red…so awesome!), I think I could totally rock that look but the wispy single hair here and there, not so imposing… Do yours also seem to appear fully grown every time? It’s a mystery, I keep an eye on them, examine my face (reluctantly), there’s nothing, nothing, nothing growing until bam! A few centimeters of hair appears overnight. How?? Also have faith my cosmic twin, we WILL find a way to stay thin while eating cake one day. I’m sure of it. The scientists are working on it as we speak! And if they aren’t, what is wrong with them?!

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Nov 01, 2017 @ 10:20:38

      Yes! I get mad at my husband for not telling me because I feel like it’s impossible for him to have missed seeing the hair on my face. (But if I can’t see it, I’m not sure why I expect him to be able to see it!) I think that they are secretly appearing overnight. One day – no hair. A day later – poof – I’m a freaking wolf.

      Reply

      • booleanlogically
        Nov 01, 2017 @ 10:30:54

        You can delete that second, more or less the same, comment. Something funny is going on with my wordpress today, it looked for a moment like the first one’s gone missing, not just that it was unmoderated by you, gone altogether, so I wrote the second one, but clearly you got both of them πŸ™‚ And I know! I keep telling my partner to keep a lookout for the hair as well, but he only sees them at the same time as me, when they’re fully grown??!

      • MoJo
        Nov 01, 2017 @ 10:42:48

        πŸ˜‚

  10. annabellefranklinauthor
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 11:12:34

    Getting older has got nothing going for it. I think its purpose must be the destruction of the ego – it certainly does a good job of that!

    Reply

  11. kaylaannauthor
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 11:46:12

    You can do it! My boyfriend and I just switched to Paleo/ low-carb diet and we definitely cheat once a week with our diet but he’s already lost 20 pounds in three weeks! I could send you some recipes if you’d like

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Nov 08, 2017 @ 13:39:22

      I would LOVE recipes!!! Yes please!!!

      Reply

      • kaylaannauthor
        Nov 08, 2017 @ 13:51:31

        We just made this one recently:
        Honey/Orange Chicken (instead of Panda’s Orange chicken)

        Ingredients
        1 chicken breast
        2 oranges
        1/2 tablespoon of garlic
        1/2 tablespoon of fiber
        3 tablespoons of coconut aminos (this replaces soy sauce)
        2 tablespoons of honey
        Green onions (if desired)
        Red flakes (if desired)
        Chili paste (if desired)

        Cut the chicken into small pieces and fry in a pan. Once the outsides are fully cooked (maybe a little browned) add in garlic and ginger. Let that simmer together for 2-3minutes then add is sauce (squeezed orange juice, coconut aminos, and honey [and chili paste if desired]). Let that simmer on low until sauce thickens.

        Serve over rice and top it with cooked green onions πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»

        We love it

      • MoJo
        Nov 08, 2017 @ 16:37:18

        Who is a bad ass?? That would so be YOU!!!! Thank you so very much! Copying to clipboard right now…

      • kaylaannauthor
        Nov 08, 2017 @ 18:24:20

        Hahaha why thank you! This is probably one of my favorite recipes! Hope you enjoy it πŸ™‚

  12. manyofus1980
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 12:16:35

    Girl you crack my shit up you are sooo funny! Put down the fork now Joanna do it now now now xxx

    Reply

  13. Blog Andrew
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 13:46:56

    Mummy bear what sparkly eyes you’ve got.

    Reply

  14. KDKH
    Nov 01, 2017 @ 14:31:10

    I can really relate. I can only loose and maintain weight loss when I eliminate carbs. I can do it, but it doesn’t seem to make life worth living.

    Reply

  15. Tracy
    Nov 02, 2017 @ 12:41:10

    You do make me laugh lol X

    Reply

  16. I tripped over a stone.
    Nov 02, 2017 @ 21:47:48

    https://www.bodygroove.com/videos.html Now this looks fun… She has a free video, that is what I’m starting with, no big buck programs for me! What do ya think??? So a little hair on the face, that’s why there is Nair for the face! Batwings, who cares, if they bother you, wear cap sleeves. All better! I’ll have a slice of cheesecake too! ~Kim

    Reply

  17. chickensconsigliere
    Nov 11, 2017 @ 06:24:30

    I can relate. It sounds like you might like the ketogenic diet/lifestyle. Salads like sandwiches without the bread all day long. And it works.

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Nov 11, 2017 @ 07:47:04

      I have been dropping the carbs over the last week or two. My weight hasn’t changed but I find that I don’t have that monster energy crash in the middle of the day. I’m still tired, but it’s tons better.

      Reply

      • chickensconsigliere
        Nov 11, 2017 @ 08:27:27

        That’s great! I’ve found it helpful, too. Giving up wine was even more helpful but not much fun, sadly. I’m still waiting for the AMA study that touts wine as the new super food. Or super liquid, I guess.

      • MoJo
        Nov 11, 2017 @ 08:58:06

        Yes. I think that your wine study will come out right after my cheesecake study comes out. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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