Anxiety Overload – From the Chaos to the Calling

At least I’m not talking to my Christmas lights. (Yet…)

As much as I have written about depression, OCD and anxiety, I actually struggle to write about these issues when I find myself working through a down cycle. The raw truth is that when I am in this place in my thoughts and feelings, I feel immensely insecure. I don’t want to respond to questions asking me how I’m doing. I don’t want to have the conversations confirming that I’m alright. It embarrasses me to be asked about it, and ultimately, I truly am okay.

However I’m writing about it tonight because years ago, I would not have been able to say with any sincerity that I knew that I would bounce back and that solid ground was in my future. I clawed onto any shred of hope that I could muster that life might get better. In my darkest moments, I hungered to trust in the possibilities of tomorrow yet failed to detect any light ahead. I gave up.

And yet I’m still here.

Despite my reticence to admit that I’m  struggling today, I feel called to write about it. I won’t bother listing my garbage du jour (and that’s just as well given that the internet would run out of room), but the snapshot summary is that I’m feeling overwhelmed beyond words.

While moments like these bring my feelings of self-doubt and utter imperfection to center stage, I now recognize that these negative sentiments are deceptive and that they cloud my perception. With a little time, these feelings will pass, and I will find sure footing once more.

Heavy emotions, insecurity, loneliness, extreme frustration, and sentiments of absolute hopelessness are not reserved for people who have been classified as having depression, OCD, anxiety, etc. Those bad boys are fair game for any human out there. Being in one or all of those emotional and mental places doesn’t mean that you are a lost cause who is screwed up beyond repair. It simply means that you are dealing with a heavy load, and in the immortal (and slightly paraphrased) words of Cousin Eddie, your mental and emotional shi**er is full.

I have found that my roughest moments tend to proceed tremendous positive reversals. It’s as if the universe sends us on a downward trajectory to provide a clear contrast when we strike the inflection point. We are able to shift from the downward spiral to a totally different and powerful direction. The difficult moments do not define us but those same occurrences can refine us. We are strengthened by our experiences – all of them. We discover who we are and what we can achieve. The chaos turns to clarity. But you have to allow time for that to happen even when you think that you are down and out.

Keep going. Do what you can no matter how small it may be. Try to have faith that you are where you are supposed to be despite appearances. If you can’t muster faith, aim for hope. And if that can’t be found either, just stick with holding on. It will get better. It always does.

Hang in there darling friends. Big hugs to you all. And yes I’m truly ok. It’s just been a dirty Santa beard in your smoked salmon kind of week. Oh well.   😉  Jo

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Calling

30 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. shalini
    Dec 22, 2017 @ 00:49:35

    Hey Jo, it’s been that kind of month for me too… But I suppose we gotta hang in there. Everyone wishes me for new year, and I just think… Yeah the earth completed one revolution around the Earth and we are alive to see that. According to some, that’s a downer… Oh well… The year has been such. I don’t want to ask you, how you doing. I know you will deal with it. Just a reminder that big hugs to you.. And lots of love and positive vibes.. 💗💗😘😘
    P.S. Did I go off topic?? 😵😵

    Reply

  2. SDC
    Dec 22, 2017 @ 01:07:25

    These things are so difficult to bring up and have open discussions about yet…so necessary in acceptance of ourselves and tolerance of others! I’ve lost many people discussing my anxiety (God forbid I mention the OCD or depression!) but Ive realized there are people who will stay by your side and help you through, because they too *know what it is*. Thats often where a support structure comes from, is those that truly understand from experience. It’s just so necessary to have these discussions and open introspection as you are here. Even when we are hurting, self awareness is so valuable for growth and self care!

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jan 29, 2018 @ 22:02:13

      You are absolutely right. It can be tricky to talk about, but if someone else can’t handle your truth, maybe it’s best to focus the energy on someone else who gets it. I believe that everyone faces these challenges to varying degrees, but there are still many many people who haven’t found the ability to talk about it yet. I love that you are one of the brave ones. 🤗

      Reply

  3. Tracy
    Dec 22, 2017 @ 02:30:01

    I’m a firm believer that sometimes you’ve got to lie in the gutter in order to see the stars. Big hugs Jo. X

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jan 29, 2018 @ 22:02:51

      I think about this comment all the time, and it makes me smile every single time. It’s so true and so fabulously you. ❤️

      Reply

  4. foodzesty
    Dec 22, 2017 @ 02:37:28

    Huge hugs Jo

    Reply

  5. Anonymous
    Dec 22, 2017 @ 07:53:59

    This was a good read for me this morning. If I was as good with words, I could’ve written it almost word for word about my life, right now. We shall survive! Merry Christmas. At least you got cards out, you’re a step ahead of me! Karla

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Dec 22, 2017 @ 07:58:03

      Girl that would be the first Christmas card I have managed to get out the door in three years! I imagine that I probably would have missed the deadline once more if we hadn’t had the snow and an address change. Oh well. Card or no – we still know who are people are. (P.S. I’m so thankful that you are one of my people! ❤️)

      Reply

  6. wakinguponthewrongsideof50
    Dec 22, 2017 @ 08:00:53

    Hugs and kisses through the air!! You are so strong! And wise enough to be my friend!! Much love to you and your family!! You will survive!!

    Reply

  7. Writer Lori
    Dec 22, 2017 @ 09:09:36

    Sending ginormous hugs your way, Jo…. xoxo

    Reply

  8. carolrolke
    Dec 22, 2017 @ 09:15:34

    “The difficult moments do not define us but those same occurrences can refine us.” I couldn’t agree more. Hang on through the darkness. Sunshine is on its way.

    Reply

  9. I tripped over a stone.
    Dec 22, 2017 @ 11:16:54

    Yes! I agree with it all, the ups and downs, and the dreaded embarrassment of it all… but it happens to us all and that is a fact! I think it’s the thought of the frenzy that leads us down the path and once the frenzied thoughts are dispelled because you are in the middle of the day you were (or thought you were) dreading, it is not so damn bad! I am with ya- Team Jo! ~Kim

    Reply

  10. magickmermaid
    Dec 22, 2017 @ 18:00:21

    This is so true! Thank you for the positive reminder 🙂 Have a wonderful holiday! 🙂

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jan 29, 2018 @ 22:17:19

      I’m so sorry that I’m responding so much later, but thank you my sweet friend. I hope that 2018 is magical for you my magick friend! ❤️

      Reply

  11. angelbeamsblog
    Dec 23, 2017 @ 10:28:05

    Hope your words come true. Looking forward to my clarity after my chaos, while wavering between holding on and absolute faith. Anyway merry Christmas and a happy new year!

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jan 29, 2018 @ 22:22:00

      I hope that you have found your footing again my sweet friend, or maybe you’ve done even better and found your wings. You are meant to soar lovebug.

      Reply

  12. manyofus1980
    Dec 27, 2017 @ 04:49:57

    glad your ok jo. it takes courage to write about this stuff. sending hugs your way. ❤ xxx

    Reply

  13. Playamart - Zeebra Designs
    Jan 04, 2018 @ 00:24:15

    i’ve been reading offline and following your progress – though w/very little time for comments, etc when back online…

    you’ve a lot on your plate, and that hurricane probably played a role – as we think we’re invincible at times and we keep going and going and going until sometimes we need a timeout – but in today’s world it’s not easy to do that.. and ‘momma’ usually is the last to be doted on!

    as the sun now tips back toward the northern hemisphere, and soon the ‘sap stars rising’ in the dormant trees, i predict you’ll burst back into 100 percent about the same time those spring flowers are painting the landscape in fresh and vibrant colors!

    Reply

    • MoJo
      Jan 30, 2018 @ 06:50:33

      You are such a wise old soul. You have that soothing way about you. I know that rooms soften when you enter them and that people smile easier. You are so very special my darling friend. ❤️

      Reply

  14. Trackback: Author Interview – Philip Mann – The Dark Muse Series – “Dark Muse”, “The Gate Keeper: Volume 2 (The Dark Muse)” & “First Of The Fallen”(Paranormal/Fantasy/Romance) | toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

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