Anxiety Overload – From the Chaos to the Calling

At least I’m not talking to my Christmas lights. (Yet…)

As much as I have written about depression, OCD and anxiety, I actually struggle to write about these issues when I find myself working through a down cycle. The raw truth is that when I am in this place in my thoughts and feelings, I feel immensely insecure. I don’t want to respond to questions asking me how I’m doing. I don’t want to have the conversations confirming that I’m alright. It embarrasses me to be asked about it, and ultimately, I truly am okay.

However I’m writing about it tonight because years ago, I would not have been able to say with any sincerity that I knew that I would bounce back and that solid ground was in my future. I clawed onto any shred of hope that I could muster that life might get better. In my darkest moments, I hungered to trust in the possibilities of tomorrow yet failed to detect any light ahead. I gave up.

And yet I’m still here.

Despite my reticence to admit that I’m  struggling today, I feel called to write about it. I won’t bother listing my garbage du jour (and that’s just as well given that the internet would run out of room), but the snapshot summary is that I’m feeling overwhelmed beyond words.

While moments like these bring my feelings of self-doubt and utter imperfection to center stage, I now recognize that these negative sentiments are deceptive and that they cloud my perception. With a little time, these feelings will pass, and I will find sure footing once more.

Heavy emotions, insecurity, loneliness, extreme frustration, and sentiments of absolute hopelessness are not reserved for people who have been classified as having depression, OCD, anxiety, etc. Those bad boys are fair game for any human out there. Being in one or all of those emotional and mental places doesn’t mean that you are a lost cause who is screwed up beyond repair. It simply means that you are dealing with a heavy load, and in the immortal (and slightly paraphrased) words of Cousin Eddie, your mental and emotional shi**er is full.

I have found that my roughest moments tend to proceed tremendous positive reversals. It’s as if the universe sends us on a downward trajectory to provide a clear contrast when we strike the inflection point. We are able to shift from the downward spiral to a totally different and powerful direction. The difficult moments do not define us but those same occurrences can refine us. We are strengthened by our experiences – all of them. We discover who we are and what we can achieve. The chaos turns to clarity. But you have to allow time for that to happen even when you think that you are down and out.

Keep going. Do what you can no matter how small it may be. Try to have faith that you are where you are supposed to be despite appearances. If you can’t muster faith, aim for hope. And if that can’t be found either, just stick with holding on. It will get better. It always does.

Hang in there darling friends. Big hugs to you all. And yes I’m truly ok. It’s just been a dirty Santa beard in your smoked salmon kind of week. Oh well.   😉  Jo

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Calling

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