May I Have This Dance? (NO!)

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Hey sweet thang…why don’t you come over here and have a seat by me…

While hanging out at my parents’ house today, my daughter went up to my mom to tell her how amused she was with their dog.  My daughter’s exact words were,  “He’s so funny!  He hugged me around my leg, and then he started dancing up and down!”

Oh.  Em.  Gee.

And she wasn’t kidding.  Between this today and the Dominatrix Barbie avatar scene from yesterday, this kid is killing me.

Don’t Eber Eber Worry About Lyrics

 

 

Here is my sunshine tidbit who cleared away my grey skies a couple of days ago via her own unique version of a song (that apparently came equipped with a seriously distracting microphone / flashlight).  It is a well-known fact that two-year olds have a long-standing contractual clause against continuing to do anything and everything you ask once they suspect that it’s something you actually want to film. They never eber eber cooperate. I’m so glad that this little one made an exception this time. 🙂

***Thank you Taylor Swift for giving us this brilliant sassy song!

What – No Whip?

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Even the expression on her face looks like she wants to smack you!

There is a not so fine line between being a supportive parent and allowing your young kid to have a game profile pic akin to a dominatrix.  Despite serious odds to the contrary, I was able to maintain my emotionless game face when my daughter gleefully showed me this “pretty new matching outfit” her avatar was wearing today.  Given that she typically opts for flowers and butterflies in the fashion world of gaming, I recognized that there must have been a specific reason for this choice.  I paused momentarily before responding to allow all of the “you forgot the leash” and “no self respecting s&m wench would wear that flower headband without a complementary spike collar” type of comments to exit my mind in lieu of exiting my mouth.  Not that she would have understood anyway, but even I have to draw the parental standards line somewhere.

Once the wise crack responses ceased running through my brain, I allowed my out loud voice to kick in.  I asked her nonchalantly, “So what is it about this dress that you like?”  She said that she wanted to look tougher because several people were teasing her about her babyish and girly profile name.

Boooooo!!!

At that point, I, too, wanted to bust out a tougher outfit and kick some avatar butt.  Nevertheless I couldn’t permit an S&M response as we aren’t going for Fifty Shades of MoJo in this house.  I calmly but directly explained that the dress and boots she had chosen were not appropriate for her age even if it was just a game.  I told her that she had to find another outfit that was more suitable.  She wasn’t pleased but it wasn’t earth shattering either, and she left to pick select something else.

And then returned with this little number…

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This pasty boxy babe is effectively a mannequin displaying the clothing one can select.

Nooooooo.

I’m not going to allow an avatar with a skirt cut up to her hoo-hah either.  Seriously Roblox.  Stop.  It.

I responded less nonchalantly this time.  I wasn’t angry, but I wasn’t playing anymore either.  There are other categories of clothing beyond frilly / girly and hoochie / biker wench.  Pick another outfit.

And this was her final choice…image000000_17

It struck me as rather unusual but perhaps she was aiming for a Richard Simmons kind of look.

richard simmonsI have always loved that guy.  I can’t help  but appreciate anyone who owns who he is through and through while also sharing humor and hope.  Not too shabby Richard. You go boy!  Ultimately that was the ensemble her character donned.

I know that this is a game, but are these really the kinds of options my kids are given?  Seriously?

I frequently wake my kids up on school days by cranking up “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys or “Hypnotize” by Notorious B.I.G..  They are the clean versions, but I do feel like Amazon and I have seriously different takes on what the word clean means.

At what point did I become the stuffy parent?  I typically don’t sweat the small stuff (nor do I Sweat to the Oldies even though I think that Richard Simmons seems like a sweetheart), but I’m not digging the hooker avatar option.  I don’t want to raise a princess (although she will always be one to me), but I’m not interested in this route either.  It was yet another reminder that I really have to keep a close eye on what the kids are doing on their phones.  It appears that I am going to have to whip them into shape before they start thinking that they need to do the same to someone else.  Yikes.

whip

I’m the Adult but Let’s Be Clear – She Started It

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Irresistible

My version of a mom win can be a smidge twisted at times, but I have put forth substantial effort to earn the majority of my questionable parenting choices credits.  A few noteworthy exceptions include calling their attention to the radio when the song “Baby Got Back” came on, showing the kids how to ask the Amazon Echo to tell bad jokes, leaving my kids unattended near open paint pens, accidentally giggling when one kid de-pantsed another kid thus unintentionally creating a day packed with alternating incidences of angry pantless children, and encouraging my daughter to touch a duckling when the mother duck was in range.  I have two additional thoughts on that last point.  1.  I wasn’t using my brain.  2.  That mama bird was much faster than one might have anticipated, but perhaps the universal concept of never ever touching wild ducklings should have been enough.  And now I know why.

Nevertheless I am currently ecstatic at the sheer genius (self-designated) of the latest mealtime game that I invented yesterday.  Everyone adores it!  Correction – almost everyone adores it.

The game consists of all members in attendance at the meal doing the wave in a clockwise loop around the table each time our toddler raises her hands up.  So her hands go up and then I toss both of my arms in the air as I holler “Wooooo!!!” and immediately it continues on with my next person and the next, etc.  We love it, but incredibly, she is not a fan.  She is the wave buster and adamantly refuses to keep the pattern going.  (Why is there always one holdout section when everyone else wants to do the wave?!?!)  There is no rage or crying on her part.  Her reaction is one of crossed arms combined with an annoyed squinty irritated look that holds the same weight as an adult’s eye roll coupled with the international greeting.

wave

No, it’s not that kind of wave, but I didn’t have enough sequential pictures to give an accurate visual representation of the game.  I opted for an entirely inaccurate visual instead.

How could this possibly be a win?  I’ll send her to your house for a bit, and you can watch her rain crumbs in a ten mile circle with every upward launch of those sticky hands.  The win will become crystal clear.  Plus it’s stone cold funny.

Having a toddler is wonderful, beautiful, and, more often than you might imagine, excruciatingly painful.  I fully believe that whomever first used the phrase “loves hurts” had a little child and that those words were spoken in direct reference to something that the kid did.  As I type this, I am sporting a genuine black eye from where my own kid-shaped tornado clocked me in the head a few days ago at mommy and me gymnastics. It was fantastic when she slammed into my face while fifty sets of eyes were pointing my direction.  Because I have a “never let em see you sweat” response to public embarrassment, I responded with a veiled attempt to play it cool.  This is how we roll folks.  The gymnastics Olympians do this to their coaches, too.  No broken eye socket – hahaha.  Look away all of you wenches!!  Look away!!!

Another annoying move she has add to her endless bag o’ tricks is her recent practice of goosing us randomly in our hineys.  Even our dogs don’t do this to us.  No one knows exactly why she started this move, but everyone knows that WE WANT IT TO STOP NOW.  Unfortunately she finds our total surprise and unnerved reactions to be quite comical.  We have yet to break the pattern and may have to create a new variation of the wave technique in response to this as well.

As a parent, you have to be willing to get creative when it comes to changing certain kid behaviors.  If you are thinking that our game has less to do with creativity and more to do with passive aggressive behavior on our part, then you are wise.  I would also wager that you have no crazy small children or you have those weird well-behaved ones.  And if that’s the case, I’m jealous, good job, and fat congrats to you.  Just don’t bother trying to find that here.

I do feel compelled to add that my little game may already be backfiring on me.  Shock.  Awe.  Amazement.  Yawn.  She knew right out of the gate that we were messing with her and initially was rather displeased.  However as of this morning, she appeared to be trying to initiate a round of it.  I may have actually taught her that waving her hands in the air like she doesn’t care is the way to go to engage the group.  So I’m basically looking at five times the crumb cleanup and a small kid who will be leading the charge.  And there goes my win.  Again.

Just know that one day not too far down the road, I will be able to buy a full page ad for her school yearbooks.  Those ads will have space for sentiments of love and joy.  And photos.  Aaaaaany photos I choose.  I’m looking at you photo of dancing toddler in boots and a diaper.

I will get my win.  Someday.  Somehow.  And soon.

***MoJo***

MoJo and Mo You – Show Me the Funny

a fish toy

The kids and I were worried about our apathetic aquatic pal, so I googled “lonely betta fish.”  (That alone embarrasses me.)  My fish has a ball now.  A toy.  For a fish.  So he won’t be lonely.  Or bored.  And that was only one of the weird things I did today.

What comical or idiosyncratic stuff do you do?  I have been out of the blogging loop for some time (at last I found my way out of that damn hedge labyrinth), and I have missed out on your wackiness.  Please share your favorite quirky or funny post with me in the comments section of this site, or you can add the link for this entry at the bottom of your own post.  If you go that route, I should get a pingback and can then add your link directly to body of this post.

keurig

Our house is on the market, and someone is scheduled to come look at it tomorrow.  Tonight I spent ten minutes organizing the Keurig cups and tea packets.  Studies have shown that organized Keurig cups have led to the sale of ZERO HOUSES.  I know this, but I am compelled to do it every stinkin’ time anyway.

Things to keep in mind if you show me the funny:

Please pick one of your entries that you genuinely love that reflects your comical spirit or wacky side.  I love funny photo posts, too!

Also please remember kids – this is a family show.  Well it’s a later in the day family show, but the sun is still out nevertheless. I won’t intentionally share anything raunchy, offensive, mean, or political.  You may keep all of those cans of worms safe in your cupboard because I won’t be opening them.

I mentioned the one entry only thing, yes?  It’s just a matter of consideration.  Don’t make me get medieval on your blast.

My last request is that you please take a few minutes to check out some of the other blog links.  We are a funky and eclectic community comprised of people from every corner of the planet.  The best part of being in this wide-ranging circle is the way we support and learn from each other.  Based on what I have read, it is highly probable that you will come across something you will truly enjoy.

And because I know that deep you would always wonder…  Yes. The fish absolutely liked the ball.

***MoJo***

Unwanted T-Shirt Advice

tshirt advice

Am I the only person who feels this way?  I’m sure that someone out there is wearing a t-shirt, carrying a cup, and sporting an automobile sticker that will tell me all about it if so.

And ladies, if you are past the point of comfortably wearing mini-skirts, maybe consider returning fabric to those little cutouts on the shoulders.  This isn’t about ageism.  I don’t wear mini-skirts now either.  This is about reality.  Shoulder cutouts are basically 80’s shoulder pads’ dark nemesis, and you and your kids will laugh at those photos soon.  It’s inevitable.  We went from too much shoulder material to no shoulder material at all.  There must be a better way.  (There is!  Just keep the fabric going all the way through the sleeve.)

Also isn’t dabbing over yet?  I thought it was so last year, but our kids are still bugging us with this.  There is a strong possibility that they continue to do it strictly because they sense how much it annoys us.  I also suspect that they are nerds.  Alas they are genetically predisposed to the latter.

Nevertheless if you are into any of the items detailed above, please don’t be sad.  I’m not intending to be unkind.  I believe that I have made it abundantly clear that I am a major proponent of laughing at myself, but I will point that laughter in your direction if you say, wear, or do any of these things in my proximity.  Just a friendly heads up.

With all that said, I’ll love you just as much and possibly even more if you do happen to fall into one or more of these categories.  I live for giggles, and I absolutely adore people who don’t care what someone else thinks and do whatever they want to do.  So own it baby!  That’s all that really matters anyway.   😉

***MoJo***

 

Seriously?

1497269925242Because clearly that’s all the next person would need.  Not okay.

And that’s the reason for the lesson on volume my kid just received.

***MoJo***


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